When I read advice columns in the newspaper, nine times out of ten, people want Carolyn or Ann or Amy or whoever to tell them how to make someone else do what they want. Astoundingly, they sometimes write to ask what they should do about what someone is doing to someone else!
Here's my answer: Pay attention to what's in front of you (aka mind your own business and leave other people alone). The way to fix the world is to start with yourself. There is plenty on your plate without having to look at what others have on theirs.
As much as we would like to, we cannot control what other people think, do or say. It's so easy to see what is wrong with them. And it's so tempting to tell them what to do to fix it. Isn't it?
Be very careful what you are doing when you think you are helping. Try to support others in whatever way you can without interfering with them. Many many many times I thought I was helping when I was only interfering and making matters worse.
Case in point: my daughter. She often got herself into one sort of trouble or another. I was always there trying to rescue her to make her life nice. I thought it was my job as a parent. Guess I wanted the "good parent" award. I also wanted her to be happy. It took many years before I realized that, not only is it not my job, it isn't even within my power to make her life nice. And I made the situation waaay worse. She set up her problems for her to solve. When I swooped in and solved them for her, she would just set up another. And another. I got frustrated with her and she became extremely resentful of me. Then I got mad and hurt because she was ungrateful (I thought). I was trying to run her life. I guess I thought I could run her life better than she could. (Wasn't that obvious?) Instead what I was doing was undermining her self confidence. She didn't know whether or not she could solve her own problems because I always stepped in. She (rightly) resented me because I was taking away her opportunity to meet her own challenges and achieve a sense of accomplishment and confidence. What a disaster. I thought I was helping.
The only time we have to act is when something affects us directly. The best we can hope for is that we can control our response to what other people think, do or say. And that is harder than it looks.
When someone comes at you with anger or hostility, it's about them. It's not about you. Refuse to engage. If you engage, you are feeding the flame and you will get sucked into their vortex. Sometimes no response is the best response. Remove yourself physically, if you can (an urgent need for the restroom is one I have used). If you must respond, calmly and clearly state what is true for you right now. Be authentic. If they want you to do something that you don't want to do, No is a complete sentence. If what they have said or done hurt you, then say that, calmly. They probably are not trying to hurt you. Realize that they are hurting and they are lashing out. Would you injure and already injured person? Let them have their anger if they won't relinquish it. Try not to judge. And definitely don't wish them harm because that will boomerang back on you. (That's what Jesus was getting at when he said to turn the other cheek. Because what you do to others you are ultimately doing to yourself. Save everyone some trouble and heal the space instead. It has to start somewhere, why not here, now?)
If what someone else does elicits hurt or anger or jealousy from you, then that emotion was in you already. They just plucked their string and your string was already resonating at that frequency. If you go unconscious and react, then you both can really get that frequency going. Is that what you want? When you clear yourself of your own pain (see post on physical effects of new energies) then you will not feel responses from other people's pain.
Sure you will still lose it sometimes. Make a note of it. Ask yourself why you over-reacted to what someone else did. It probably had very little to do with what they did and everything to do with your unprocessed pain. Try to access that and process it. It's the only way I know of to eliminate that resonance that is inside of you. If you don't, it will come around again. And again. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up. It's about figuring out what works and what doesn't. It's not about blame, shame, guilt or being wrong or right. Would you disparage a child who was building a castle with blocks if s/he put a block in the wrong place? Would you beat up a child who was learning to walk if s/he stumbled and fell? Be kind to yourself. Be as kind as you can to your fellow beings. Especially when they annoy you. Find something to appreciate about them.
If someone you work with is difficult, maybe you don't want that job. If a partner relationship is dragging you down, maybe you want to move on. There is no shame in abandoning a path that has no heart. Follow your heart and your inner guidance. It will never let you down.
Be authentic in the world. Stand in your truth.
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